The Airport Tray…

A Brief Investigation Into Male Cognitive Blackouts at Security Checkpoints

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Written from Gate C53, before a Sunday night flight to London…

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There are few things more dependable in life than the way a man will, having just strutted  through the full-body scanner in a pair of socks, completely lose the ability to read. Especially the sign that says, in a clear yet weary Helvetica: Please return your bins to the tray at the end.

It’s inexplicable. Moments before- he was a vision of efficiency, unbuckling his belt, located his laptop, wrist-flicked his see-through bag of toiletries with Swiss Timepiece precision and the flair of a guy starring in a Tom Ford perfume ad- Business Class Edition

And then it happens.

He gathers his things. Buckles up. Pulls on his Cole Haans. Breathes the oxygen of completion. And then he ghosts the tray return task like it’s a woman who just asked about his emotional availability.

The tray? Left abandoned on the metal roller. Alone. Confused. Much like the TSA agent who is now telepathically screaming “The bin return station is literally right there, ROBERT.”

Which makes me wonder: what exactly is going on here?

THEORY ONE: Alien Interference

Is it possible that this moment of disassociation is the result of extraterrestrial meddling? Perhaps removing one’s belt at high speeds sends out a frequency only picked up by low-orbit Martians, who respond by temporarily jamming reading comprehension in post-security-queue males. (Let’s not forget that airport security zones are literal liminal spaces. Time doesn’t work properly there. Neither does deodorant.)

Maybe that tray bin sign is in another dimension now. Who’s to say?

THEORY TWO: Proximity to National Security Causes Male WiFi to Drop

It’s a well-documented phenomenon (by me, and now you) that mobile phone signals vanish near certain buildings of, shall we say, interest. Think MI5, the Pentagon, or Gwyneth Paltrow’s skincare fridge.

So what if - and go with me here - men operate on a similar bandwidth? What if, once they pass through the full-body scanner (which is basically a psychic MRI for secrets and gel deodorants), their executive function signal drops out? A temporary loss of bandwidth.  They’ve simply ‘maxed out’.

THEORY THREE: They’ve Already Done Enough, Thank You.

The most compelling theory? Cognitive exhaustion. These men - these brave, bin-wrangling heroes - have already performed. They disassembled their carry-on belongings like bomb disposal experts. They stood, arms akimbo, inside a scanner that knows if you once bought MDMA in university. They emerged on the other side, shoeless and slightly sweaty, but victorious.

And now you want them to do one more thing? To quote every toddler ever handed a jacket: “No. Done.”

At that moment, the tray becomes not their problem. It becomes a tray-shaped Switzerland. They look directly at the sign - black text on white background, no ambiguity - and their brain says, “Sorry, this task is outside the remit of my job description as a man who successfully removed his Apple Watch under pressure.”

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In Conclusion: We May Never Know

Is it space? Is it MI5? Is it testosterone itself - the final frontier of selective oblivion?

Whatever the cause, the humble airport tray bin has become the site of a strangely-gendered disappearing act. A Bermuda Triangle of personal responsibility. And as women dutifully stack theirs like unpaid IKEA interns, men drift off - abandoned trays still clinging to them like unresolved karma.

But maybe next time, we just gently whisper as they pass:

“Hey. You forgot your tray.”

(Then again, they probably won’t hear you. The WiFi’s still down.)

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